Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I Had a Dream, And This One I Feel the Need to Mention...

Last night I dreamt so long that, when I woke, I felt like days had transpired in my mind. It was a dream rife with despair, being lost, searching for someone and something. I saw the faces of a million women I've been involved with in the past, saw the faces of a thousand friends I had in the past.

After waking up, I turned on You've Seen the Butcher by Deftones. I cried. I felt like I was suffocating and there was no way to prevent asphyxiation. I swallowed two milligrams of clonazepam, wishing they were Xanax or Valium. Poured myself a glass of sauvignon blanc - cheap, white wine - and sipped on it, slowly polishing it off with another milligram of clonazepam. Still felt volatile, self-destructive, untamed - smoked some pot just to add to the mélange of drugs in me. Took my dail-ing (daily and ailing) SSRI, and a vitamin pill and vitamin C.

I figure, if I'm going to be food-deprived and foot-uninterested, I might as well be nutritionally level.

Couldn't will myself to go to Pre-1700 Lit. No one knows who I am there; I know no one who is there. I was beyond alienation when I woke up, feeling more dead than when I had slumbered so tenuously and fretfully and terribly.

Add more wine, more clonazepam, more inertness, and slowly the all-pervading terror of being alone and suffocating dies itself; slowly fading into the recesses of my addled brain. It's 16:23; not even 4:30 in the afternoon and I may well be on the verge of drunkenness. It is a cliché, but; are you happy world - happy society, that this is what I have been reduced to? The boy that you loved is the man that you hate. I'm creeping along existence on my belly like the serpent, unable to raise myself in the slightest.

I wonder who reads these. I wonder who cares. I wonder if I care.